


The Meaning of Loving You

by shootystr



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Car Accident, Cuts, Dabin - Freeform, Depression, Drama & Romance, Family Drama, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Ending, Hospital, Hwitae - Freeform, Jaeho - Freeform, Jaeseong mentioned, M/M, Romance, School, Shooty, Suicide, rochan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-08-09 16:09:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16453079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shootystr/pseuds/shootystr
Summary: Love is funny, how can you love someone as a brother and someone else as a boyfriend?





	1. very funny

 

''Give it back _hyung_ " Chanhee begs, his eyes watch Youngbin's hand over his head, the boy is not small after all has a beautiful 1,74cm, but the problem was that Youngbin is bigger with 1,78cm, only a few centimeters that unfortunately make all the difference. The eldest, Kim Youngbin, is holding Chanhee's cell phone high just to tease the youngest.

A brown-haired boy approaches his two friends, Kim Inseong was the eldest of the 'small' youth group, of eight, to be exact, eight Korean youths between the ages of 16 and 19, they met each other two years ago in an experimental dance class and never split again, making occasional performances all over Seoul, they are an underground dance group, and they like it that way.

''Inseong _hyung_ , tell Youngbin _hyung_ to give me back the cell phone'' Chanhee gets irritated, being the youngest of the group was always make him the target of provocations, not that the boy doesn't find occasions to take revenge sometimes too.

"What's the problem, Chanhee? What are you hiding?'' Youngbin turns the cell phone still on top to see the content, however he comes across the password lockscreen, not surprised as he try the password 1234  Chanhee's cell phone becomes unlocked ''Yah! Chani-ah! Put a better password' Inseong laughs when the younger's eyes jumps from his face in shock.

'' _Hyung_ gives me back!'' The boy jumps to pick up the cell phone, but Youngbin lifts it higher up on tiptoe.

''What is the problem _dongsaeng_?'' The brown-haired pauses and looks in shock at the younger one ''Don't you tell me you have pornography here?''

''Yah! _Hyung_! That's not funny'' Chanhee says in shock by Youngbin's words but he just laughs and runs off with the cell phone of the young man who runs after him.

''What's their problem?'' Lee Sanghyuk appears with two other members of the group, Baek Juho and Lee Jaeyoon, only missing appear Yoo Taeyang and Kim Youngkyun.

"Youngbin is teasing Chanhee" Inseong says simply, leaning on the edge of the terrace with a corner smile, the school terrace was _their_ territory. In fact, it was a forbidden place, but the boys took it as soon as Chanhee and Youngkyun, the younger ones, joined them in school, the need of having a place where they could have fun and rehearse without problems and without cost, then they simply made the school terrace their place, where no one and nothing could shake them.

Youngkyun and Chanhee are childhood friends, street neighbors, since kids they study together and their parents are friends, so the two have occasional dinners on Fridays one in each other's house. Inseong and Jaeyoon are best friends of life, they never talk about it, however it's clear from their proximity that they have gone through many things together, anyone who meet the two could swear that the two are dating, but they're just great friends, even though Chanhee still has its doubts about the old ones feelings. Juho and Taeyang were alone before meeting the others, their past is a mystery, although Taeyang seems to be opening up a lot with Youngkyun, not even the blond knows what goes on in the head of the blue-haired boy. Finally, Youngbin and Sanghyuk are strangely close adoptive brothers, but Sanghyuk was the one who brought everyone together, funny and silly, the young man saw friends in the other seven and decided he would join them, a great hand to do chemistry between people.

''People, people'' Youngkyun runs excitedly to meet everyone, in his hand one of Korea's biggest dance magazines, Taeyang follows him calmly smiling, already knowing the upcoming news, Chanhee appears with the cell phone in his hands changing the password quickly to something more difficult for Youngbin don't see his things again, the older one appears soon behind limping by the kick that the youngest gave to get the electronic back.

"Just say it already" Juho says simply, sitting on the terrace floor beside Sanghyuk.

"Guess who's going to transfer to our school?" The blonde could jump with joy of how much excited that it was, Inseong turns with a curious smile.

''Who?''

''Kim Seokwoo'' By the excitement in Youngkyun's voice, it was probably supposed, that his hyungs were equally excited, but they were completely confused.

"I don't have any idea of who that is'' Chanhee, as always, is the one to talk when the situation is tense.

''He is the dancer revelation from Korea, the youngest to participate in the international dance competition representing Korea, in addition to being the model for thousands of magazines'' The blonde shows the cover of the magazine he was holding, all of them, except Chanhee who was entertained on his cell phone, look at the photo of the handsome brown-haired kid.

''Wow, he looks like a doll'' Sanghyuk comments in shock.

The boys talk about the newest colleague while Chanhee sits on the other side without paying much attention to his _hyungs_ , he was amused by his own conversation. Usually he doesn't keep secrets from his friends, but showing his conversations it's a bit embarrassing. Two months ago he started to exchange messages with Rowoon, probably the young man's name was false, but little did that matter, Youngkyun is moving away from Chanhee and he needed a new friend, a role that Rowoon does very well.

_Rowoon: I'm moving to a new school today._

_Chani: Yeah? Just don't make new friends and forget about me._

_Rowoon: Hahaha, very funny, as if it were possible._

_Rowoon: My mom insists on taking me, she wants to make a scene._

_Chani: Run before she shows up._

_Rowoon: I wish I could get away but she still sees me as a baby._

_Chani: And you are not?_

_Rowoon: Yah! I'm older respect me :(_

_Chani: You look younger._

_Chani: You act like a baby._

_* Rowoon sended a video *_

Chanhee holds his breath before opening the video, Rowoon has shown, who he was many times, but the youngest was always hesitant to show his face, after all, even they being very close he was afraid of what could happen if he trusted Rowoon completely.

In the video Rowoon is wearing a kitten filter making Chanhee smile, he was always extremely cute, making the younger question the actual age of the older one, Rowoon's lips move, however he seems annoyed, probably saying something to his mother before return your attention to the screen of the phone. _Chani-ah_. The sweet voice of the eldest makes Chanhee's heart skip. _Save me please._ And then the video ends with a cute sad face from Rowoon.

_Chani: You're screwed._

_Rowoon: Is that something you say to your hyung?_

_Chani: What hyung?_

_Rowoon: Yah!_

_Rowoon: I have to go, later I'll tell you the drama that was school._

_Chani: Just go._

_Chani: Good luck._

Rowoon visualizes the texts, but doesn't answer making Chanhee sigh, he feels that he's acting like a child, talking to someone online when he has great seven friends, he observes his group talking and laughing, no matter how close they are, there are some things that he is not able to share.

With Rowoon everything seemed simpler.

He could say anything.

Rowoon simply understood.


	2. do I know you?

"Chanhee, we're going to be late" Youngbin calls the youngest that looks up from his cell phone, it's already class time? How could he not hear the ring? Chanhee jumps up and joins his friends, who are still eager to comment on the arrival of the new kid, but the younger one is not that interested in the news.

New students arrive every week, it's not like something out of this world.

The boys split up, Chanhee and Youngkyun go into the first year room while Zuho, Taeyang and Dawon go on to the second year room, and Youngbin, Jaeyoon and Inseong go on to the third year room. As always the two best friends, Youngkyun and Chanhee sit side by side in the back of the room, the youngest one bends his head to sleep while the other takes the stuffs out of his school bag.

''Chanhee'' the blonde calls and the younger just lets out a murmur ''Do you think he will want to join our group?''

''Who?''

"Seokwoo... Maybe with him we can be more than just a group dancing for a few bucks'' there is sadness in Youngkyun's voice, but the youngest feels hurt with the blonde's words.

''What's the problem with it? I like it this way'' Chanhee's tone of voice is mildly irritated by his friend. The teacher soon enters the classroom accompanied by the new student, Chanhee does not even lift his head to see him, don't know him and already hates him for being so famous, for gaining the attention of his friend that it should be this, _his_ friend.

''Wow, he's even more handsome in person'' the admiration is clear in Youngkyun's voice, once again Chanhee feels like he's losing his friend, as if the blonde were going to change sides it at any moment.

 _At least I have Rowoon_.

''Class this is the new student, please introduce yourself'' the language teacher's voice fills the room, all the students silently staring at the new student in admiration, apparently everyone already knows who he is.

"My name is Kim Seokwoo'' and that was enough for Chanhee to raise his head, that voice was the same voice he had heard earlier in the morning. _Rowoon_. The kid is shocked, what are the chances that he would be there? What are the chances that his new best friend is right there in front of him? "I'm in first grade because I had to drop out of school for a year, I hope you look after me and that we can be great friends." Rowoon bows, Chanhee can not stop staring at the older in shock, Youngkyun seems to notice and starts chuckling in victory, barely the blonde know that Chanhee knew very well who that famous boy was, he knew every detail of him, well, at least he thought he knew.

He knows that two months aren't enough to tell the story of life time, the false name did not surprise the younger, however he can't help but feel disappointed that Rowoon did not tell him that he was a famous dancer, knowing that Chanhee was dancer, the younger had said many times.

As much as he wanted, Chanhee can't get angry, he feels even happy to see that his new friend was there, at the same time he was scared, afraid of personally he, Kang Chanhee, not be as interesting as online, not be, in simple words, good enough.

"Sit down next to the Youngkyun'' the spine of the younger freezes, he knew the teacher was looking for an opportunity to separate the two, after all sometimes they really bothered, but leave Youngkyun with Rowoon? Join your two friends? What if they left him?

"But teacher" Chanhee protests, but only the stern look of the man causes the young one to step out of his table and sit in the only spot left, right in front of the teacher, as he passes by Rowoon the boy bumps into his arm forcefully, leaving the older shocked.

 _Why did I do this?_ Chanhee asks himself, but he always acts the same way, when he feels threatened he does everything to make his friends, enemies. Even though it's unconsciously.

The class begins, as always, even sitting in the front, Chanhee lowers his head to sleep, the teacher ignores him, by the simple fact that the boy is the best in class, and the third in all school, after only to Inseong and a girl, and also for being extremely rich, even if no one knows the last detail.

When puttin down his head the boy has a vision of an excited Youngkyun, talking quietly with Rowoon, who is smiling slightly, this irritates and saddens Chanhee, first that he is losing his only friends and second that he wanted to be the one who puts a smile on the face of the older.

_Chani: The uniform looks good on you._

Chanhee does not know where he got the nerve to send that message in the middle of class, but when he saw the smile disintegrating Rowoon's face as he looks down and then looks around slightly frightened brings a sense of pain in the young man's heart.

_Rowoon: Is it your school?_

_Chani: Hmhm_

_Chani: I saw you arriving._

_Rowoon: Wow... We should meet then._

_Chani: But what would be the fun in that?_

Chani: You have to find out who I am before.

_Rowoon: You're Chani, my friend._

_Rowoon: Do I need to know anything else?_

_Chani: That's not how you play._

_Chani: You're too boring you know?_

_Chani: Let's play, huh?_

_Rowoon: This sounds like messages from a killer._

_Rowoon: If you were not so cute I would be scared._

_Chani: And how do you know I'm not?_

_Chani: The cute ones are always the worst._

The younger turns off the cell phone and closes his eyes to sleep, with a victorious smile on his face and the sound of his teacher speaking like it was a lullaby.

**[I would cry for you]**

"Food as always looks like shit" Juho complains as he joins the others 7, Chanhee gives a comforting smile and looks at the food in front of him wishing he had a mother who would cook for him just like Taeyang has.

Not that his mother doesn't cooks poorly, she just didn't want to cook for the youngest. Usually she only cooks when she has visitors, that is, only when Youngkyun goes to his house or he is not at home, that is when his father is having ''business meetings''. Since two months ago Youngkyun is not going to dinner at his house, and his father has been on a "business trip" for four months, he has never saw his mother touching a pot again.

''Seokwoo is incredible, he is very cool, and my beloved god as he is beautiful'' Youngkyun brags to the group of friends, Chanhee loses his appetite without even touching anything ''We should call him to eat with us'' the blonde waves behind the younger one who does not even bother to turn around, knowing that it was Rowoon, or Seokwoo that is apparently his name.

"Hello'' always so polite that it irritates Chanhee, Rowoon bows with a sweet smile, carrying a the same canteen food from all the others, it seems that school lunch is bad even if you are a rising star.

"Lunch with us?" - Youngkyun invites and Rowoon nods gratefully, sitting in the empty chair next to Youngkyun and in front of Chanhee ''This is our group, as you know I am Youngkyun, the frown there and our classmate is Chanhee'' the younger one holds his breath, should have thought of a better name, but Rowoon's face seems unchanging, it seems he did not notice that the names are similar, maybe the year he stop had affected his reasoning ''The one with blue hair is the Taeyang, on his side is Juho, and the one with curly hair is Sanghyuk. On his side is Inseong, the blond on his side is Jaeyoon and the one at the end of the table, Youngbin''.

"I'm Seokwoo" he introduces himself with a sweet smile.

"Is it true that you're, like, the best dancer in all Korea?" As always straightforward and inopportune, Sanghyuk comments without letting the young colleague breathe, the boy receives a slap in the head of Juho who apologizes with an angry smile.

Rowoon laughs, making Chanhee make a almost imperceptible smile. The boys fill Rowoon with questions that the boy answers sweetly without being in rude, which impresses the group since the young is a boy really well-known.

_Chani: Can't believe you went to sit with the weirdos._

Chanhee digs under the table, keeping his gaze up to his colleagues, as if he's interested in the conversation, from using his cell phone during class, can already type on the phone even with his eyes closed, he sees Rowoon look at his cell phone and do a confused facet, drawing the blonde's attention at his side.

''Problem?'' Youngkyun asks curiously.

"Nothing... But is there any Chani here?"

''God... I know only our ChanHEE, but I don't know any ChaNI'' Chanhee pretends to be watching Taeyang talks.

_Chani: You're a fool._

_Rowoon: Is your name really Chani?_

_Chani: Maybe yes._

_Chani: Maybe no._

_Rowoon: I'm curious._

_Rowoon: Give me some hints, please._

_Chani: Tomorrow. In front of the school's gate. 9 PM._


	3. i lost myself in you

**A few hours before the meeting, the teachers room.**

''Youngkyun, you need to focus more on school, your grades are dropping progressively'' the ethics teacher's tone is of concern, the blond young man breathes deeply and doesn't respond, staring at his feet sadly ''Honestly those bad company you have..'' the teacher shakes her head as if thinking of something but does not say anything ''You should stop walking with Mr. Kang, he is not a friend to have.''

_If he was here_ , the young man thinks, _he would confront you_ , a sigh comes out of his lips, _he would defend me, but he is not here, so I hear quiet while he must be there sleeping in some corner. God, I hate him so much. Why does everything work for him? Why does nothing go wrong for you Chanhee? Why do you walk away from me like I'm nothing?_

While the teacher continues her sermon, Youngkyun's head is filled with negative thoughts, the woman ends with a sigh, she knows the young man was not listening, but she should at least try to help him, he is the 159º in the school ranking, and because it is a small school they only have 200 students, besides being the last one in his class, making it a target of concern.

''...Just try to improve'' the teacher says with a cold smile, the blonde affirms and leaves the place with tears stuck in his eyes, receiving sermons always make him sensitive, being relatively shy, he hates to receive negative attention, and think about his relationship with Chanhee always saddens him.

He like his best friend so much.

_Why did I have to like him so much?_

When walking in the empty hallways of the school, the young man sighs, as he is always looking at the floor, his low self-esteem prevents him from self-encouragement. When he turns the hall, the blonde runs into someone and falls to the floor in shock, however Youngkyun has a good physical, he is relatively fragile.

''Youngkyung-ah?'' that voice he knew so well, it was Chanhee, the blond stares, right there on the floor, the youngest, his eyes can not hold back the tears that slowly come down his hot red cheeks ''What happened? Are you alright?'' the brown-haired young man reaches out to the blond, who denies it and rises alone, wiping his tears.

"I'm fine" his voice is husky and low, his gaze unable to stand up to meet his friend's eyes.

_Well, this times we aren't as friends as before._

''Are you sure?'' Chanhee's gaze drifts from Youngkyun, who follows his gaze and sees Seokwoo talking to the same teacher he was before, for a few seconds the blonde thinks about his best friend being in to Seokwoo, but then dismisses that idea.

''Yeah, I'm going, okay?'' the younger look doesn't deviate from the new student, leaving Youngkyun slightly hurt.

''Hm... Ok'' Chanhee leaves Youngkyun's sight, past Seokwoo pushing him with his shoulder, sometimes the blonde just did not understand his friend, could he hate the new student so much? But the young man is not a fool, he knows his friend since childhood, he knows that it is not hatred, it is almost as if Chanhee wants to catch the eye of the highest.

_Why is he good enough and I not? Why do you care more for a stranger?_

Before he know it, Youngkyun is already typing the number that has become the most frequent on his phone. Simple digits flow through his fingers until they form a complete number, the phone is cold in his ear, matching the cold that he suddenly feels, no matter how hot the weather is, for the boy it is as if he were -10 degrees.

_''Hello? Hwiyoung?''_

The nickname sounds so sweet in his voice, at that moment the blond even forgot why he had called.

_"Can I sleep at your house today?"_

The request, even if it sounds calm, is a desperate request, it must be the fifth time that Youngkyun sleeps at Taeyang's house, but he was the only one able to make him forget about Chanhee, and for now, he does not mind being selfish and use the blue-haired boy as a cap for painful feelings.

''Always.''

**[I would drown for you]**

_Rowoon: Chani-ah, it's dark, where are you?_

_Rowoon: Chani-ah please you know I don't like the dark._

_Sended at 9:20 PM_

_Rowoon: Chani, do not play silly games like that._

_Rowoon: Please just appear._

_Sended at 9:50 PM_

_Rowoon: Chani... It's cold, I'm waiting for you so come, okay?_

_Sended at 10 PM_

_Rowoon: Why you don't answer me?_

_Sended at 10:40 PM_

_Rowoon: Just answer me, tell me if it's everything okay._

_Sended at 10:57 PM_

_Rowoon: I'm worried about you Chani._

_Rowoon: I already found out who you are, just answer me please._

_Sended at 11:10 PM_

The stone floor in front of his new school is unexpectedly cold, even after hours sitting there is still frozen, the wind cuts Seokwoo like a knife, in a few hours it will certainly start to snow, but he can not get up from there, not without knowing where Chani was. His lack of clothes would make his mother crazy, but when he left the house he was hot with anxiety, anxious to meet Chani, the one who made him smile every day.

But if the boy was really making him wait there on a cold night in the end of November, he would not be the boy Seokwoo thought he knew, even though he himself lied about who he was, he had only actually really omitted the part where he was famous, he just wanted to have a real conversation without a second interest involved.

_Rowoon: Chani, please respond._

_Rowoon: Are you dressed well? Is cold._

_Aish, why did I send this? I'm an idiot._ _He clearly does not want to talk to me._ As much as he feels frustrated Seokwoo does not move, deep in his heart he feels as if something is wrong. The tall boy talks to Chani in an app, meaning no numbers to call, he was there, sending messages in the dark to someone who might not even want to talk to him.

A boy runs past him, in the glimpse he sees one of the boys who had lunched the day before, maybe Taeyang is the name, the blue-haired boy stops and looks at the tall one sitting on the cold front floor of the school.

''Seokwoo?'' the older just nods ''What are you doing here?''

"I ask you the same thing" Taeyang was clearly in his pajamas, his legs exposed by the shorts, and even in the cold the boy didn't seem to be bothered to wear summer pajamas.

''Hm... I...'' the boy looks at the motorcycle parked next to Seokwoo ''It's yours?'' the older one nods, before talking again Taeyang pauses thinking for a few seconds ''Can you give me a ride?''

"I'm expecting someone" the boy said simply.

''Who?''

''Chani''

Taeyang smiles ironically, the tears in his eyes contradict his smile, leaving Seokwoo, in fact, worried.

"You're more dumb than you look. Please give me a ride, it's an emergency.''

Seokwoo sighs, he desperately wants to wait for Chani, but saying no to someone's call for help just doesn't seems right.

''At?''

''The hospital.''


	4. the pain of loving you

  
The white walls leave Youngkyun dizzy as he tries to sit on the hard surface he was lying on, the white sheets slide down his body giving him a shivering sensation, he blinks several times trying to see correctly what is in front of him but everything looks more like one white blur.

"Take it easy" a feminine voice speaks sweetly, the young boy tries to turn around to see the person but a headache hits making him feel even more dizzy.

''What happened?'' he tries to say, but his dry throat makes the words come out low and confused.

"You're still confused, try to rest more." A delicate hand pushes him easily back into the hard white bed.

The woman leaves the room leaving Youngkyun dizzy and confused, his mind try to locate herself in time and space, what was the last thing he remembers? He remember being on his way to Taeyang's house when Chanhee called, something about an art project? After that it's hard for the boy to remember anything else.

 ''How's he doing?'' Youngbin asks the nurse who leaves the room where his colleague was, the woman has a gentle robotic smile.

"He's going to be fine, he's just a bit disoriented, as soon as he's better you can see him." The woman leaves after a slight and automatic bow. Youngbin hates hospitals, reminds him of what happened years ago, makes him sad and angry, makes him want to scream, but being the leader of the group of friends he keeps impassive. He returns to the group and sits next to Sanghyuk who patted him on the back as if feeling that the leader is feeling distressed.

''What she said?'' Chanhee asks, his heart tightened by his friend, the fright of hearing the thump on the other end of the line is easily the biggest scare he has ever taken, the fear of his best friend dying made him feel a awful friend for not being so present and always criticize him for spending more time with Taeyang than with him.

"That he's going to be fine" the leader says with an encouraging smile, no matter how deeply destabilized he is inside, he can't show.

"That's great" Jaeyoon pronounces, sighing in relief, he stands up slowly "Anyone wants coffee?" everyone nods slightly, Inseong and Zuho accompany him to the Hospital's canteen to get coffee with the blonde.

"Taeyang should be here" Chanhee complains, it's not as if he does not like the blue-haired boy, it's just that he can't stand the feeling of losing his best friend.

"He lives too far, he'll be here soon" Sanghyuk says thoughtfully, his hand resting on Youngbin's shoulders catches the attention of Chanhee, is strange but soon the boy turns his attention to the door of Youngkyun's bedroom, nervous when he can see his friend.

''What happened?'' As soon that he stops in a red signal Seokwoo asks Taeyang, the boy's hand on his waist makes him nervous, but the blue-haired boy does not seem to realize how close the proximity makes him nervous.

''Youngkyun was run over apparently'' the boy sighs on Seokwoo's neck ''Youngbin _hyung_ didn't give me the details, I just hope everything is fine''

The signal opens then the older one pulls the motorcycle towards the hospital, the boy can't help but feel aware of Taeyang's hands that rest calmly at his waist, the touch makes him feel like he's about to throw up of nervousness, he could not deny that the young man had caught his attention, after all the beauty of the boy with blue hair was stunning. But he already likes someone else, to bring up feelings for Taeyang feels like he's betraying Chani.

Even though the younger boy doesn't like him, even though he has never seen the younger man's face, he has never fallen in love like this, perhaps because Chani does not know his titles, perhaps because the boy only wants his friendship without second thoughts.

As he parks in front of the hospital, Taeyang jumps off the bike and rushes in. Seokwoo ponders for a few seconds if he should follow him, but finally decides to start the motorcycle and go straight home, the day had been tiring and wait for Chani in the cold it had left him slightly cooled.

Taeyang's fast footsteps resonate throughout the hospital, as he finds his friends sitting with a defeated face, he feels a little relieved and a little nervous.

''What happened?'' His tone was breathless and nervous, only Sanghyuk, Youngbin, and Chanhee were there, where were the others? Maybe they came back home?

"Youngkyun was run over, but according to the doctor he did not suffer any serious fractures, the car did not hit him too hard" Youngbbin says in a calm voice, as the leader was always helping the younger ones through a difficult situation, it had become routine for them, whether in a fight or in an accident, Youngbin was always the safe haven of all ''But the doctor warned that there might be some internal sequel, amnesia or something, since he hit his head hard and all'' The words make Taeyang sit in shock, but more than that, he feels defeated, he should have accompanied Youngkyun to his house, but he left early training, why he did that? He always trains till late. _Why today?_ Taeyang, to the surprise of everyone, lowers his head and begins to cry desperately, his hands get red of how strong that he is holding the cloth pants of his pajamas, the tears fall warm, his sobs are silent.

For a few seconds Chanhee feels guilty, for feeling angry over Taeyang, seeing his friend so destroyed by the accident makes his heart ache, he really cares for Youngkyun, maybe he deserves more than Chanhee ever did in his several years friendship.

''Calm down Taeyang, everything will be fine'' Youngbin gets up and sits next to the boy hugging and comforting him, but the older one does not really understand Taeyang's pain.

He wasn't crying over a friend.

He wasn't crying because he almost lost a close friend.

He was crying because he loves Youngkyun, and never will have the courage to declare himself.

Taeyang doesn't really know when the feelings began, but he never felt something so strong, when he is with Youngkyun it is as if a part of him that he did not even know was missing, is complete, it is as if he is breathing fresh air.

When he's with him, Taeyang does not feel pain, he does not feel fear, he just feels safe and loved, even if it's not the way he wants it.

**[there's absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for you]**

Taeyang falls asleep in Youngbin's arms after so much crying, Chanhee after seeing the messages of Seokwoo he had left and was nowhere to be found, Sanghyuk was talking to the doctor next to Juho while Inseong and Jaeyoon talk low.

"I think Taeyang likes Youngkyun" Inseong remarks looking at the blue-haired boy who is resting deeply, Jaeyoon turns shocked at his friend.

''Why do you say that?''

"Nothing serious happened, not even Chanhee cried, what other reason would he have to cry?"

"Maybe he's just sensitive over everything.''

Inseong looks suspiciously at his friend, his face might even be funny if it was not the whole situation, when Youngbin called, everyone was scared and nervous, they really are very close, each one means the world to Inseong, all seven.

Even though he inevitably likes Jaeyoon a little more, but it was just a platonic love, how does he know? Well, Jaeyoon has always been very open and his passion for Juho was never something he even tried to hide, and Inseong hates it too much, he feels pain every time his friend mentions Juho, but he tries to hide it.

He has to hide.

After all, Jaeyoon's feelings are not the same.

"The doctor released, we can go see Youngkyun''Sanghyuk says softly, his voice is serious, calm and rusky, unlike the usual Sanghyuk, he knows that this is not the time to play, Youngbin wakes Taeyang and gets up, the look of the curly-haired boy follows the leader toward the room, which reminds him of the complicated situation in which the two are in.

Suddenly Sanghyuk feels sad.

He feels sad that he will never touch the older one differently.

He feels sad that he can't declare himself.

Because to the world a romantic relationship between the two is wrong.

But the world doesn't rule in his heart.


	5. tears of love

**Four years ago...**

"Youngbin, please, breathe, what's going on?" Sanghyuk's voice seems controlled, but his eyes show the desperation he is feeling, his hand shakes as he picks up his cell phone to call the emergency, the tears already coming into his eyes. ''Hi. It's urgent my brother is sweating cold, he can't talk, please help me'' then the sobs begin.

Neither of his parents were at home, they were watching the movie as they always do on Fridays when Youngbin fell to the ground, Sanghyuk became desperate, he never knew how to act in desperate moments, usually Youngbin himself was the one who dealt with those moments.

After passing the address to the woman on the other side of the line, Sanghyuk turns to his new brother, in fact of brothers they had nothing, but for being a complicated story they prefer to simply speak that they are brothers, avoids unnecessary questions.

"It's going to be okay. Binnie, they're coming." Tears were drying as Sanghyuk convinced himself that everything would be all right, his eyes sweeping across Youngbin, his hand freezing and drenched with sweat, his eyes deep and glazed, his body it gives light tremors as if he were cold, the younger consider going to get a blanket or something, maybe he was just cold, but the woman was clear to leave him as is to avoid a greater shock.

"Sa-" A low murmur comes from the older mouth, his eyes now closed.

"Shh don't try so hard'' Sanghyuk says sadly, his hand tightening on the older hands.

"I..." Sanghyuk puts his finger on Youngbin's mouth stoping him from talking, both of them are too young to grow up so fast, Sanghyuk with only 13 years-old and Youngbin with only 14 years-old, they'd already been through a lot, anyone who ever hear their story would feel pity, though they don't care so much, after all it's _theirs_ story, and only _theirs_.

The ambulance sirens can be heard from inside the apartment, Youngbin looks at Sanghyuk's face, the boy's face is fearful, his body was not well for a long time and the boy knew this, he felt the pain, he knew he was sick, but his family does not deal well with diseases and hospitals, so he decided not to tell anyone and suffer alone.

It is the second time that he has such a crisis, the first time he stayed an hour lying on the ground in shock without anyone helping him, but now here he is with Sanghyuk at his side holding him strong. For the first time he feels safe, feels loved.

Maybe that's because he's sick.

Maybe it's a delusion.

Maybe it's the pain.

Maybe it's love.

But in an unthinking act Youngbin pulls Sanghyuk to him in an awkward hug making the younger one nervous, although the older one is weak the pull took Sanghyuk by surprise, causing the boy just to be carried in the arms of the other.

Their faces _so_ close.

"How you're handsome" Youngbin's clipped, low voice makes the young man's heart break after all, seeing him in this weak and fragile situation is painful.

''T-Thank you'' his heart slightly accelerates with Youngbin's gaze on his, Sanghyuk is afraid to hurt the older in case he stays in that position for much longer, yet as soon as he tries to pull away the older one pulls him closer.

This time their faces were not close.

This time his eyes were closed.

This time they were stuck in a _kiss_.

Then Youngbin extinguished.

Then Youngbin forgot.

Leaving only Sanghyuk with this sweet and painful memory.

All Youngbin remembers is after.

And the after was hell.

**[you embellish me with your perfume]**

Rowoon: Chani?

Chani: I'm sorry for keeping you waiting for too long.

Chani: My friend he...

Chani: He were in an accident.

Chani: I'm at the hospital.

Rowoon: Alright, I understand.

Rowoon: If you need anything, I'm here.

Chani: Actually...

Chani: Can we meet at some coffee shop?

Chani: I do not think I can stand to be here for another second.

Rowoon: I can pick you up if you want.

Rowoon: I'm with my motorcycle.

Chani: I'll send you the address.

Chanhee is not even able to smile, his eyes are sad and deep, as soon as Taeyang stopped crying and slept in Youngbin's arms, he couldn't stand another second there, if he stayed he would go insane.

His body is embraced by the cold as he leaves the large glass doors of the hospital, several people pass by him, but he does not stick to any face, only stands still near the hospital cover for fear that time will turn against him and it rains while he waits fot Rowoon outside.

Chanhee keeps looking at his cell phone every five seconds to see if Rowoon had not sent him any messages. _Idiot_ , the brown-haired boy curses his mind. How can he expect any messages? The young man must be in the traffic, it would be best if he didn't really send anything.

Then finally Rowoon arrives, as soon as the kid gets off the bike and removes his helmet he feels a thud of a body in his. Chanhee. By the time the boy sees Rowoon he collapses, his eyes fill with tears, not beause his friend's pain, but from feeling guilty.

The weight of guilt weighs on his chest.

And it hurts like hell.

After the initial shock, Rowoon then wraps his arms around Chanhee and pulls him closer in a tight hug, the sobs of the boy known for never breaking, fills the ears of the older.

If any of his friends were there he would not act like that.

But it's because he's with Rowoon, and with him it's as if life is so much simpler.

After a few - many - minutes crying on his shoulder finally Chanhee walks away and looks up with his eyes still mired, the older one gaze is of understanding, not pity, not sadness, but understanding. And that's the greatest consolation that Chanhee could ask for.

Silently Rowoon hands the helmet to Chanhee and the two climb onto the motorcycle, the moment the arms of the younger intertwine in the waist of the older, Seokwoo can swear that his heart stops, the feeling is different from when Taeyang touched him, it is as if he had been electrified for the first time and doesn't know how to react to it.

Then, after a few seconds, the two of them set off in silence toward a coffee shop just away from the hospital, away from all their worries.

**[my heart stops for when I'm with you]**

"Do you want to talk to him first?" they all turn to Taeyang after Juho's words, the boy just nodded and all his friends sit down as he stands facing the white door, should he have let someone else go first? It's not like he's _that_ close to Youngkyun. At least not as much as he wanted to.

He remembers the words the nurse said earlier that maybe Youngkyun might suffer from some mental instability because of the hit, that maybe he forgets something or confuses some relationship. Taeyang's biggest fear is that Youngkyun has forgotten him, that would make him lost his friend forever.

Despite of his thoughts Taeyang finds himself opening the door shaking lightly with each step closer to the bed where the boy is lying staring at the side, towards the window. Youngkyun has always been a thoughtful boy, and this is one of the most charms the blue-haired admires on the young one, the way the boy is reflective and thoughtful without being sad, being next to him always gave him some catch phrase.

But today he probably will not get any catch phrase from the blonde.

''Hwiyoung?'' The boy doesn't look away from the window ''Youngkyun?'' just then the boy looks, for a few seconds his gaze is serious until it turns into a sweet smile.

"Taeyang, sorry I was distracted." His smile warms the boy's heart.

"It's okay" the older sits at the window facing the boy who is lying on the hospital bed, the way Youngkyun feels comfortable in that position leaves Taeyang nervous, seeing the person he loves in a hospital bed is one of the things he wants never to see again, even if the target of his love does not know of his feelings.

Maybe Taeyang should say.

Maybe he should stop keeping his feelings for Youngkyun hidden.

But he is very afraid of the answer he can receive.

''How're you feeling?'' Taeyang's voice is low and worried, but Youngkyun gives only a calm, calm smile to his friend.

"I think they drugged me" they both laugh lightly at Youngkyun's joke. "Taeyang, I think I'm kind of dizzy.''

Immediately Taeyang gets up and rushes to bed crouches in front of Youngkyun, looking worried.

''What's it? What you're feeling is that a-'' the blue-haired boy is interrupted by a quick kiss on his lips by Youngkyun who leaves him confused and shocked.

''Why that face?'' The blonde laughs ''Can't I kiss my boyfriend any more?''


	6. feelings

**Nine years ago.**

''Stand still Youngbin'' a tall man whispers to the child at his side, a nine-year-old boy with shiny black hair and height already big for his age, he is nervous and anxious, after all any child would be in that situation. He is sitting next to his father at a huge dining table, his mother is nowhere to be seen.

"Daddy, where's Mommy?" the small question, the man turns to his son and sighs as if the answer to the question to the boy was difficult. Before the adult can respond, the guests enter the reserved room of the restaurant that they are at.

The farthest restaurant in town, with private rooms set apart from each other, perfect for any secret gathering. In Youngbin's head they are there for some meeting of spies, and soon enemies will enter through the bamboo doors and they will start an epic fight, however the reason is darker than the boy is prepared to deal with.

''Mr. Kim'' a man comes first, he is short, almost thirty centimeters shorter than his father, he has black eyes and his eyes make Youngbin's body tremble with fear, the meeting is not so cool anymore. Behind him a woman appears, her appearance is sick and weak, as if she were dying, Youngbin's father is a doctor, perhaps that is why they are there.

When the two adults sit down just then the little boy sees, another boy, about his age, his slightly wavy hair and his slightly darker skin are striking differences between his and Youngbin's appearance, his eyes show fear, he looks scared, Youngbin would like to help him, however the whole situation is so strange that he does not know how to act.

"Sanghyuk say hi  to Mr. Kim" the woman says to the child beside her, even her voice sounds sick, the little boy can't help but feel sorry for Sanghyuk, after all, to have the sick mother must be horrible.

"H-Hi" the boy stutters lightly, but does not bow, he stands still, like a stone, as if he wants to stay there forever, in his mother's skirt, protected from all evil in the world.

The taller man turns to his son with a serious and somber face ''Youngbin, why don't you and Sanghyuk play outside?'' it was not exactly a question, the tone of order is strong in his father's voice, which made the boy a little scared, but turned to the boy with curly hair and called him out, before going the little boy turns around to her mother, as if he let her go she would disappear forever.

The two little boys run out, the icy November night air embraces them like a welcome hug, they run up to a small bench near the side of the restaurant, although the place is quite full is surprisingly quiet.

''Youngbin'' the straight-haired, bright-eyed boy turns to his new colleague with vigor, the outstretched hand that is soon squeezed by the other boy.

Weird.

Youngbin feels weird.

''Sanghyuk'' the wavy hair boy says, his voice is low, he's afraid.

Youngbin's mother has always told him that he has a phenomenal talent with people, to make them feel good and comfortable, to make them feel like they have someone, his mother always said that he is special because he is a good friend, Sanghyuk is surprised to feel the boy's tight embrace, a surprise, but welcome hug.

After a few minutes the older one finally feels the courage to ask why the younger one is that way, sad. Nine-year-olds should be sweet, laughing and should have fun without worry, but Sanghyuk and Youngbin just had to grow up very early.

Sanghyuk for his mother's illness.

Youngbin for the lack of caring by his parents.

**[don't be afraid, I'm here]**

''What are thinking about?'' Sanghyuk approaches Youngbin who is sitting with a pensative and tired face, the heart of the young man with curly hair squeezes to see him so finished, but hides the pain with a sweet smile, he hands the coffee to the older and sits down, standing by his side.

''In the past.''

''Nothing good comes from that'' Sanghyuk sighs already wondering what the oldest should have in his mind, always thinking about unhealthy things, thinking about the past never did them well, especially when they try to correct errors that were very small at the time and naive to deal with.

''What about you? What goes on in your head?'' Youngbin says in a weary sigh, his head falls on Sanghyuk's shoulder, the younger freezes with the movement, his heart bursts into his chest with the speed at which it beats.

_You. Always, all the time._

''Youngkyun'' the young man responds simply, the silence fills the space between the two for a few minutes before Youngbin breaks it.

"Sanghyuk" he sigh slightly, neither of them moves "Have you ever stopped to think what our life would be like if we were not bound by that stupid contract?"

''Yes.''

The older man moves his head to see the younger better, the young man turns around so his eyes meet.

"We would be friends?" Youngbin asks.

"Probably" the other's response is almost a whisper.

''Or would we be something else?'' The question catches Sanghyuk by surprise, the older man's gaze on his lips makes him feel dizzy, almost as if he is drunk, he has an immense willingness to take Youngbin's rosy, inviting lips right there, but something prevents him .

A promise.

The only promise he made to his mother that he wishes he had never done.

"Youngyoung, are you okay?" Taeyang asks almost shouting, the blonde laughs at the frightened face of the boy with blue hair, the young man hoped that his friend was stunned or that he changed his friend's names, not that he thought he was his boyfriend.

As much as he wants to.

It's not exactly real, it's just a mess made by Youngkyun's mind.

''Yah! Taeyang-ah'' The blonde is still laughing, but as soon he stops he smiles sweetly at Taeyang ''Here'' he hits his side on the white stretcher, the young man thinks a few seconds before laying down next to Youngkyun.

_Breathe Taeyang. It's just an illusion._

As he lies down he turns to the blond who is already looking at him with a smile, the blue-haired boy never thought he could find scary a Youngkyun smile, but that's how he feels, as if he were a goldfish and Youngkyun a great shark about to devour him alive.

The blonde's hand touches the other's face gently, Taeyang swallows nervously, Youngkyun's hand touches his entire face until it stops at his lips and touches them slightly shivering through the body of the boy with blue hair.

"How can you more handsome every day I see you?" the blond gives a light and quick kiss on Taeyang's lips, the older's heart seems to jump out of his chest ''I will never get tired of kissing you'' another quick kiss ''All mine, just mine to have'' other ''I love you'' this time when Youngkyun is going to give Taeyang a quick kiss, the young man pulls his body close and deepens the kiss in a long kiss, both hearts beating as fast as if they were at a joint frequency, Taeyang's soft lips in contact with Youngkyun's dry lips makes the two feel sparks around, the kiss deepens, their calm as if they have all the time and breath of the world to explore each other's mouths.

The feeling of being in a motorcycle is, liberating, Chanhee never in a million years expected it to be such a good feeling, he wants it to never end, this feeling, the wind against his body, speed taking over his body as if he was an extension of the bike.

When Rowoon stops in front of the first cafe he sees, Chanhee can not help but feel sad, he wants to feel free and unconcerned for just a few more minutes.

''It's everything all right?'' Rowoon looks at the smaller one with curiosity, after all the face of the small one is of sadness.

"Yes, let's get in." Chanhee hands over the helmet to the tallest and enters the establishment, by the time the place is already relatively empty, only two tables are occupied by some teenagers and only two waiters are attending, Chanhee sits in the furthest place and near the window, his gaze follows Rowoon until he reaches the table and sits down in front of the younger.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" The older one breaks the ice after a few seconds, before the brunet can answer one of the waiters appears to get their request. Rowoon orders an iced coffee while Chanhee orders a normal black coffee, the silence takes over again.

The younger sighs, he wants to hug Rowoon again and stay there, being protected, but who is he to want this? He has pushed away the people he love out of selfishness and now Youngkyun is in a hospital bed and Chanhee can't help but feel guilty.

A song plays very low, Seokwoo recognizes the song, Universe by the EXO, he really loves this song, he can not stop himself from humming the music softly, his eyes focus on the empty street, the night has a loaded and sad aura.

_Unlike my determination, nothing's getting better._

His gaze goes back to Chanhee who seems distracted, the older wondering what he must be thinking. His hand touches the other's hand, but he does not even move.

_We warmly held each other._

Chanhee looks at Rowoon's hand over his, his heart pounding and his cheeks flush red, his gaze rising to the older one's face, but he is facing the street, humming under the music that is playing , his voice can be more perfect than him.

The younger sighs slightly as he stares at the older mumbled wistful, wondering if maybe Rowoon likes someone, if maybe he has someone in his life. He knows that even if Rowoon is single he would never look at him, after all Chanhee is not exactly the kind of kid that someone would point out as a standout.

_You have my world, you're my small universe._

''Chani'' Rowoon calls, the music still making soundtrack for the two, they have known each other for only a few months but Rowoon already takes care of Chanhee's heart, and the younger one would like the older one to like him too.

The nights they talked without stopping.

The words of support.

Chanhee fell in love with Rowoon.

Not that he was going to tell anyone.

His feelings will be kept in your heart.

''Rowoon?'' as much as he knows that the older's name is Seokwoo, Rowoon is how he knows him and is to him, who he is.

_I will not let go, even the smallest memories._

''Do you like someone?'' such a straightforward question, but for Seokwoo it's like he's getting naked in front of thousands of people, it's a huge embarrassment, he does not know what answer to expect or how he will feel about it.

"Yes" _You._ The boy says seriously, his gaze locked on Rowoon's, the older one looks what? Disappointed? Or maybe it's just the boy's impression.

The waiter brings the coffees, Chanhee drinks his in silence, Rowoon's hand still on his, neither one of them had dared to move their hands away.

_Because it's love._


	7. kiss

 ''Chanhee wake up'' Youngkyun's voice sounds muffled in his ear, the brown-haired young man opens his eyes slightly and sees his best friend staring at him. It has been a week since the accident, Youngkyun had been released two days ago and had slept in the house of Chanhee these days by both of their parents being traveling.

After that night he and Rowoon were strangers, none had dared to send word to each other, and Chanhee had missed every day in school, in order to avoid the highest, but he could not miss another day, and Youngkyun being back only makes it difficult to avoid Rowoon.

Besides Youngkyun was acting strange, Chanhee had noticed that he was acting oddly but had left because it might be the pills he is taking for pain.

"Come on" Chanhee chuckles as Youngkyun pulls him out of bed.

"I never thought I'd see you anxious to go to class" the young man says as he puts on his uniform calmly, being watched by a nervous blond boy.

"Stay in a hospital bed for a week, and you'll be too."

"You were not alone.''

Youngkyun laughs as if he knows something that Chanhee does not.

''Definitely not.''

The comment sounds strange to the ears of the younger, but he ignores and finishes preparing for class. Youngkyun leaves the room to go to the bathroom, then as one leaves the cell phone Chanhee rings.

''Hello?'' The boy answers while he pulls his tie from his uniform.

''Chani?'' He freezes at the sound of Rowoon's voice on the other end of the line, his heart racing involuntarily.

''What you want?'' His tone is rude, but not purposefully.

"I knew you were coming to class today and..." The young man paused on the other end of the line as if he were thinking of something. "I wonder if you don't want a ride."

"I'm going with Youngkyun" Chanhee says after a few seconds in silence, even if he was not going with his friend he would say no, spend time with Rowoon alone on that bike again, it would not be a good idea to keep his sanity intact .

"Uh... All right" Rowoon mutters from the other end of the line.

"Bye'' then Chanhee hangs up before the other can say anything.

Seokwoo stared at the blank screen of his cell phone for a few seconds, what had he done for Chani to do that? Did he say something wrong? Should he have sent a message or a call before? The younger one is too complicated for Seokwoo's head to unravel.

Then he decides to call Inseong, in the week that Chani was away the highest began to approach the boy with fox eyes, they talked about a lot of things and sometimes they stayed until dawn talking on the phone.

Inseong is a good friend.

''Hello?'' The older's voice is sleepy on the other side of the line, causing Seokwoo to choke out a laugh.

"Sunbae, are you still asleep?" Inseong curses on the other side of the line, this time the taller one laughs out loud.

"Shut up, what do you want?"

"I was wondering if you don't want a ride to class today."

"Sure." Then the phone hangs up, Seokwoo laughs again, the older man must be late and now must be running around the room to get ready.

Chanhee arrives at the gate of the school together with Youngkyun and Jaeyoon, he walked in silence letting his two friends talk in peace, his thoughts are about what happened in the morning. Why did Rowoon call him today?

His friends then stop Chanhee and look forward. He would rather have his eyes ripped out to see that. Rowoon parks his bike near the bikes, behind him Inseong get out of the bike, the two laughing at something they were talking about, Rowoon's gaze directed at Inseong causes a wave of anger at Chanhee.

The boy stares at the two of them talking for a few seconds until they come to the three boys, the face of pure rage of Chani leaves Seokwoo confused. He tries to smile at the boy, but he turns and walks into the school without saying anything.

_What did I do?_ The young man thinks before turning to the other boys.

"Seokwoo, do you want to practice with us?" Youngkyun asks with an amused smile, the boy only nods, he had trained with Inseong and Youngbin a few days in the past week but he wonders if it would be different with Chanhee together. 

**[shut up and kiss Me]**

"You didn't had the right, shit Youngkyun'' Chanhee screams in the middle of the dining hall scaring everyone there, the blonde is red because of the attention, he doesn't understand why his friend was so upset.

''Calm down Chanhee'' Youngbin interferes and tries to calm his friend, he puts his hand on the younger's arm to sit him down, but he pulls his arm angrily.

They have never seen the dark-haired man so angry.

"I just invited him to practice with us" Youngkyun whispers nervously.

''And tomorrow? Are you going to invite him to my house, too?'' The words leave his mouth before the boy even thinks about them.

''Chanhee calm down'' Inseong tries to interfere too, but everyone is half-hearted, after all the younger never really screamed or got upset with any of them.

"You didn't had the right" the boy's voice is now lower, he pushes the chair and exits the dining room toward the bathroom, as soon as he arrives in place he enters one of the booths and closes the door.

Chanhee sits on the lid of the vase, then he cries, his eyes fill with tears and he just lets them roll, he does not understand why he got so angry, or have cashed his frustration with Youngkyun. He does not even know why he's crying, for the second time in a month, the young man had never cried so much for no reason at all. His cell phone vibrates.

Rowoon: Are you okay?

Chani: Yes

Rowoon: I saw you coming into the bathroom.

Rowoon: You seemed about to cry

Chani: I'm not crying idiot

_Shit_. As much as the young man hates him then, Rowoon seemed to know him as no one, not even Youngkyun.

Rowoon: Do you want to talk? Get out

Chani: From where?

Rowoon: From the bathroom, I'm outside.

Chani: No

Chani: Let's talk right here.

Rowoon: You want me to go in there?

Chani: No idiot, per message

Chanhee chuckled, he had stopped crying, even though he didn't notice.

Rowoon: What do you want to talk about?

Chani: Do you like him?

Chanhee holds his breath waiting for Rowoon's reply that it takes longer than the boy expected, the sign the other was typing causes a strange nervousness to take over his stomach.

Rowoon: Who?

Chani: Inseong hyung

Rowoon: I don't know

Chani: How come you do not know?

Rowoon: Not knowing

Rowoon: And you?

Chani: I what?

Rowoon: Do you like Youngkyun?

Chanhee looks at the cell phone, the question catches him by surprise, he had never thought of his best friend that way, in fact he never really stopped to truly pay attention to his friend. Youngkyun is a handsome guy, maybe he could even be the type of Chanhee if he likes buddy-style boys. But whether he wanted to or not, he would never be able to like his friend that way, even if he tried.

Chani: No

Chani: Where did you get that?

Rowoon: I don't know

Rowoon: You said you liked someone.

Rowoon: I just assumed it was him.

Chani: It went wrong

Rowoon: Who do you like then?

The boy thinks for a few seconds, he could answer the truth, but then what if Rowoon did not like him back? How could he appear in school after declaring himself and being rejected? He could also say that it was none of Rowoon businesss, but knowing the boy he would insist until the boy says so he decides to speak the first name that comes in his head.

Chani: Youngbin hyung

Rowoon is slow to respond, making the boy think he is too shocked, should he have invented any name and say that he lives in another city? He could, but now the shit has already been made.

Rowoon: Wow

Rowoon: I didn't think he was your type. 

Chani: And what would it be?

Chani: You?

Chani: I'm not mocking you for liking Inseong hyung

Rowoon: I'm not mocking you.

Rowoon: I was just surprised.

Chani: Why?

Chani: Youngbin is a fucking beautiful man.

Chani: What's not to like?

Chanhee is starting to get angry again, if he could at that moment he would slap Rowoon for doubting his words.

Rowoon: I don't know

Rowoon: I just thought you had other tastes

Rowoon: Sorry

Rowoon: Don't get angry

Chani: Screw you Rowoon

_Rowoon sent a photo._

Chanhee holds his breath before opening the photo, it's a selca, Rowoon is leaning against the wall, his head takes over all of the picture, he's making a pout, a smile takes over Chanhee's face, he runs his finger slowly through the picture. _God, he's beautiful_. The young man feels stupid to have fallen in love with him, after all he would never feel anything more for Chanhee.

Rowoon: Don't get mad

Rowoon: Come, class is about to start.

**[My love for you is my addiction]**

''Seokwoo, you came!'' Youngkyun jumps with joy at seeing the top appearing on the roof, he disengages himself from the embrace of Juho and goes to Seokwoo hugging him strong, after leaving the hospital Youngkyun is more caring and happy.

On the roof are only Chanhee, Youngbin, Zuho, Youngkyun and now Seokwoo.

''Where are the others?''

''Taeyang is sick, Inseong and Jaeyoon I have no idea and Sanghyuk went to buy something for Chanhee to eat.'' Seokwoo looks incredulous to Youngkyun, this one just laughs ''Sanghyuk and Youngbin like to take care of the youngest.''

Seokwoo feels a pang of jealousy when hearing Youngbin's name, he then scours the place until he finds the older, he is laughing and hugging Chanhee from behind, the one who is trying to unravel, laughing as well.

The young man does not stop thinking that he wanted to be the one to put a smile on the face of the smallest.

''Yah, Youngbin'' then Inseong appears next to Sanghyuk and Jaeyoon, Sanghyuk carries a bag with what looks like fried chicken and another bag with drinks which Seokwoo can not identify, Jaeyoon just looks sad, he sits in some corner and Juho sits down next to him ''Leave the Chanhee and come eat.''

Seokwoo sits next to Juho and the other boys sit down also forming a circle, Sanghyuk pulls out the fried chicken boxes from the bag, while Inseong pulls out the drinks, only then Seokwoo sees, beers. Seven beers and two soft drinks.

"Sorry Seokwoo, we do not know if you drink, so we bought one more soda" Sanghyuk says, handing the beer over to his colleagues and soda for Chanhee who grimaces.

"I want beer, too" the younger one says.

"The last time you drank Chanhee, you wanted to test if you could fly." Youngkyun laughs. "Hyung, I can't drink because of the medicine.''

"It's okay, you can get the soda" Seokwoo says, picking up one of the beers, even though he's still underage. He had drunk several times, especially when he could not stand the stress of a dance contest.

After all, what teenager does not drink? Some even drink more than adults.

"I thought we were going to practice" Jaeyoon says with a sigh.

''Without Taeyang?'' Youngkyun laughs ''I don't remember anything about the choreography.''

"Me neither" Chanhee says with his mouth full of chicken.

Jaeyoon looks at Youngbin who just shrugs and laughs, the older man embraces Chanhee aside, Seokwoo looks away to keep his head clear.

''Let's Play?'' Youngkyun suggests with a smile. 

"I can't believe you're eating without me" a voice comes from behind them, the boys look at Taeyang, his face is really sick, he looks tired, Youngkyun runs up to the boy and hugs him.

"You need to rest."

"It's just a flu" Taeyang laughs and then coughs a few times, he and the blonde sit side by side, now all nine are there, strangely Seokwoo feel like he fited in, as if he finally found where he belongs.

He looks at Chanhee and finds him staring at him, his eyes locked on each other before the younger one turns away his gaze to Youngbin.

Youngkyun gives his soda to Taeyang to take, his hands together make Seokwoo frown, they were together? Since when?

''What do you want to play?''Juho asks after eating.

''Hm... Truth or dare?''

"No" Chanhee says earnestly, looking at Youngkyun angry, the blonde just laughs.

''Do you have something to hide?'' the youngest looks at the fried chicken and is silent ''Since we do not have a bottle, we go with the empty can of Jaeyoon'' everyone looks at the blond who just shrugs and hands the empty can to Youngkyun '' The front part responds and the back answers'' The blonde puts the can in the center of the wheel, Seokwoo looks at Chanhee who is eating quiet.

''And who refuses to respond or take up the challenge?'' Juho asks with an amused tone.

''Hm... You'll have to declare yourself to the person you like tomorrow in front of the whole school'' Chanhee and Seokwoo stare shocked at Youngkyun together.

"It'll be fun" Sanghyuk says earnestly.

"I turn first'' Taeyang says, he turns the can.

Jaeyoon to Sanghyuk.

''Truth or dare?'' the blonde asks, his tone is bored, he seems really uncomfortable.

"Dare" Sanghyuk smiles, the boys clap their hands over the boy's courage.

Seokwoo feels like a normal teenager for the first time in his life.

"I challenge you to drink all of the beer" Sanghyuk shrugs and drinks the whole canister at once, when it ends he hits it on the floor and winks at Jaeyoon.

''That was weak.''

Sanghyuk turns the can this time. Youngkyun to Youngbin.

''Truth or dare?''

''Truth.''

''Aish no fun on that hyung'' Taeyang comments laughing, his voice is hoarse for being sick, Youngkyun looks at the boy with blue hair slightly worried.

"Is it true that you played seven minutes in paradise last year with the 3-C redhead girl?"

''Yes'' the older one simply respond and turns the can, Youngbin to Jaeyoon ''Truth or dare?''

''Truth.''

"You already kissed one of the boys in our group, didn't you?" Jaeyoon smiles at the question, he looks a bit annoyed while he has a somber face.

''Yes, more than one to be accurate.''

''Who?'' Juho asks curiously, raising an eyebrow.

"None of your business" Jaeyoon responds dryly.

Jaeyoon turns the can, Chanhee to Taeyang. Seokwoo watches the boy looking up from the chicken to Taeyang, his mouth full of them, the biggest smile, the boy really should love chicken, this makes the older man want to give him chicken every day just to see that semblance in his face.

''Truth or dare?'' The boy's voice is muffled by the chicken in his mouth.

"Dare" Taeyang's voice is scratched and low.

"I dare you to send a photo of you kissing Youngkyun to your ex.'' Taeyang looks shocked at Chanhee, Seokwoo is surprised by the cold tone of the boy, he seems really annoyed to have to play the game, but it seems to be something more, maybe some story that Seokwoo does not know.

''Ok'' Taeyang says with a sigh, he looks at the blond at his side as if asking for permission, the boy just shrugs ''Can you take the picture?'' he asks Seokwoo who is facing them, the highest waves and picks up the phone of Taeyang and positions for the photo.

Youngkyun gives an encouraging smile to the boy with blue hair, and puts his hand on his face pulling it into a soft kiss, Taeyang's hand goes to his waist as he deepens the kiss, Seokwoo takes some photos and waits for the two to finish the kiss to deliver the cell phone back to Taeyang.

"Done" the boy says after sending the photo, Youngkyun puts his hand on Taeyang's thigh and gives him an encouraging smile, the young man then turns the can.

Juho to Seokwoo, the young man turns to the redhead waiting for the question.

''Truth or dare?''

''Truth.''

"Is it true that you are a dance god?" Jaeyoon slaps his friend's head.

''What kind of question is that?'' the blond laughs without fun, the redhead shrugs.

''No, it's not.'' Seokwoo simply responds, he hates the story the magazines make up, just because he has won some dance competitions now he is a ''dance god'', is ridiculous.

Seokwoo spins the can like everyone else. Inseong to Chanhee.

''Truth or dare?''

"Dare" the older responds with a weak smile, from what Seokwoo sees, Chanhee grabs heavily. 

"I dare you to kiss Jaeyoon hyung'' it seems like something normal and light to the look of the highest, but when he turns to Inseong his face of complete fear and terror what scares the highest.

"What if I refuse?" Jaeyoon asks dryly.

"The challenge is for Inseong hyung not for you'' Chanhee responds short and thick.

Inseong looks at Jaeyoon, who just looks away, the two seem strange, but at the same time close, Seokwoo does not understand what is happening, however it is clear that Inseong has feelings for Jaeyoon.

He approaches Jaeyoon and stands in front of him, the blond does not look away from the horizon, the older man puts his hand on his face and turns to face him ''Sorry, but I do not want the consequences of not taking the challenge" then the dark-haired man glues his lips to the blonde in a calm kiss, Jaeyoon does not move, he just closes his eyes, the kiss lasts only a few seconds and Seokwoo wanted not to have stared at them at such an intimate moment, but he could not stop himself.

He looks back at Chanhee who is eating again, how can he simply do those challenges without any guilt? If it was Seokwoo he would be apologizing for challenging something so intimate.

Inseong turns the can. Youngbin for Chanhee.

''Truth or dare?''

''Truth.''

"Is it true you like someone here?" Seokwoo looks sad at the ground. _He likes you_ , the highest thinks.

''Yes.'' Chanhee simply responds and turns the can, he curses when it stops. Youngkyun to Chanhee.

''Truth or dare?''

"Dare" the younger sighs and looks up at the sunny sky, irritated at having to deal with a challenge from his best friend, but truth would be worse.

"I dare you to tell you why you burst at lunchtime." Youngkyun's gaze is serious and slightly hurt and irritated.

''No.''

"Then you will have to suffer the consequences."

''No.''

"Yes." Youngkyun raises his voice slightly, and that's enough for Chanhee to get upset.

''I am going.''

"Tomorrow, Chanhee, in front of the school.''

"I'm not going to declare myself to Rowoon in front of the whole school" Chanhee shouts, Seokwoo looks up from the floor to the boy in shock.

"Who is Rowoon?" Youngkyun asks confused.

"Fuck you Youngkyun'' then Chanhee runs off without looking back.


	8. emotional disaster

"I'm going after him" Youngbin says, his gaze is pure concern, no one says anything, he gets up and goes after Chanhee who was surprisingly standing on the stairs without going anywhere, the older is surprised to find the smallest in tears. Even though he was the youngest, he had always been the strongest of the group, always mocking his olders and bragging about not crying, but there he was, bursting into tears like a baby ''Chanhee'' he sits in the side of the smaller, his gaze is on the younger.

''What do you want hyung?'' Chanhee's tone is muffled by the tears, his voice is low and shaky, Youngbin engages the young man in a hug, then the other tears down, for a few minutes they stand there, silent, Chanhee crying and Youngbin only hugging him till when the younger one walks away wiping away the tears and says ''Why does love hurt so much?''

''Because it's a pure feeling'' the older smiles and messes the hair of the smaller one who stops crying and gives a sad smile ''Who is this Rowoon?''

Youngbin looks at the boy in front of him waiting for his words, the face of the younger one is tired and sad, the older would like to be able to take all the worries of him and all his other friends and put on his back, but he can't, then by this tries to help them as much as possible. As best as he can and know.

''Seokwoo...'' the little one sighs and rests his head on the wall before continuing ''A few months ago I met a boy online, he said that his name was Rowoon, we talked every day, sometimes he sent me videos or audios while I never said anything, he never charged me though'' the boy pauses briefly as if he thought how to say it all, Youngbin gives a small slap on the younger's back to encourage him ''Two weeks ago he sent me a message saying that he was going to a new school'' Chanhee sighs again ''When he entered the room I... See him live in colors, voice, smile... I thought my feelings were purely friendship, however the more I saw his face the more I realized that I _really_ liked him.''

"So you already knew Seokwoo? Only by another name?'' Youngbin tries not to sound so shocked at the minor's words, after all he was there to give emotional support not to destabilize Chanhee's already destabilized emotional.

"Yes" the boy whispers, feeling the tears rise again in his eyes. "And I've just declared myself in a stupid and clumsy way in front of everybody.''

''Calm down Chanhee'' Youngbin tries to think of a way to help his friend.

''You know what's worse?''

''What?''

"I told him I liked you." The boy gives a short, ironic laugh, the older sighs, the minor don't lie a lot, it's even more unlikely he admit lying, definitely Chanhee looks tired, in fact all the boys look tired, everything that happened to Youngkyun, classes, hidden novels, being a teenager is tiring, having to go home every day and kill yourself to study so that a university even thinks about accepting you, and if you have a little different dream, you are massacred by society.

Youngbin smiles, he has an idea.

"Chanhee, are you free this weekend?"

"Do not get me wrong hyung, but you're not my type.''

Youngbin laughs.

"It's not that silly, I'm going to have a meeting at home, to get up the mood, what do you think?"

''Whatever.''

**[immerse yourself in love not in tears]**

"Youngbin hyung is crazy" Youngkyun says as he throws himself into bed next to Taeyang, who looks at him thoughtfully, it's already friday night and the two are finishing packing their things at Taeyang's house to go straight to Youngbin's and Sanghyuk's house, the blue-haired young man did not understand the reason for his hyung to prepare this sleepover, not even how he managed to convince the parents of all the boys that it would be a good idea ''When your parents come back?'' the blonde asks looking at his boyfriend after a few minutes in silence, things were already arranged, however they are afraid to go too soon, so they will wait for one of the others to call them.

Taeyang sighs and lies on the bed, the blond interlacing his fingers in his, for him this whole situation is crazy, thinking that a few days ago he was torturing himself to tell Youngkyun that he loves him and now because of an accident there they were, dating.

None of the boys were surprised the boys were closer or greeting each other with a kiss rather than a hug, none of them asked anything, maybe they already imagined they were in a relationship even before. But the strange thing was the looks of Chanhee, and that was bothering Taeyang's thoughts, did the younger one like Youngkyun? Somehow other than just friendship? No... Does not seem to be that, maybe he's envious? Of their relationship?

Taeyang does not know for sure, but the way the younger man is treating them and looking is indeed strange.

''Taeyang '' Youngkyun calls and the other looks at his boyfriend carefully, the blue-haired boy's eyes always leave the blonde's body shaky ''I love you.''

"I love you too" the other responds smiling and gives a light kiss on the blonde's forehead, sometimes the young man feels frustrated that the older never tries anything more with him, but he doesn't care, intends to stay with Taeyang for a lot of time, and opportunity is what will not be lacking.

Chanhee helps Sanghyuk to organize the room of house for all nine boys, the environment is quiet, which is unusual since usually the oldest never shut up. But at this very moment he is confused, especially wondering why Youngbin is taking so long to get Juho, after all the redhead lives not too far away. No more than a ten minutes walk, and Youngbin was gone forty minutes ago.

Perhaps what Sanghyuk is feeling may be called jealousy, but he would never admit it, not even under his dead corpse. They both pause and sit down for a drink, Chanhee stares at the older man steadily until the brunette says something.

''What's it?''

''Can I ask you something?'' the boy's voice is low, all week he is acting strange, flees when he sees one of his friends, does not appear in training, not even with Youngkyun he is talking. The question catches Sanghyuk by surprise, usually Chanhee is closer to Youngbin or Youngkyun, to think that he could also have a good relationship with the younger one makes him happy.

"Ask" the older simply says, trying to hide his smile by drinking some of the water.

''What's it like having sex?'' Sanghyuk was about to die drowned by how much he choked on the water the moment he heard the phrase of the youngest. Okay that, Chanhee was the same age he was when he lost his virginity, but the question is, in Sanghyuk's eyes, absurd.

The older looks at the smaller boy trying to see if he was talking serious, Chanhee's face remained unchanged.

"I don't know what you want me to say.''

''You already had sex?''

''Yes but...'' Sanghyuk breathes deeply, the situation is strange for him, the smaller one moves away and sits on the sofa.

''When was the last time?''

"Two months ago'' the tallest lets out the air, now he understands why Youngbin is the leader of their group, he's definitely not up to the point.

''With whom?'' the question is straightforward, Chanhee looks right into Sanghyuk's eyes, making him only more nervous than he already was.

"Jaeyoon.''

Chanhee is in shock, he knew that his friend was reputed to hook up with all his friends but he thought it was just a rumor, really maybe Jaeyoon could help him better than Sanghyuk, but now that he has put firewood it is best to leave the fire burn.

''It's good?''

Sanghyuk sighs and sits next to his friend, he feels a father at that moment, advising and helping Chanhee, if he let the panic pass the feeling was kinda good.

''Sex?''

"No, strawberry cake, of course sex.'' Chanhee rolls his eyes, he tries to hide the nervousness behind his sour words, Sanghyuk gives him a look of anger.

"If it was not good nobody would make it'' he has a point.

''But how I know... You know... How to do?''

Sanghyuk is silent, he stranges Chanhee's attitude, the young man was never very insecure, on the contrary he was always the most direct and secure of all of them.

"Oh, there's no rule, it's kind like kissing you just follows your instinct'' the younger sighs and looks down shamed at the floor.

"I've never kissed before."

"But what about your ex?"

"It never happened... We walked hand in hand at the most."

''You dated her for a year!'' Sanghyuk practically shouts, he lets out a low laugh ''I don't believe Chanhee.''

"It's serious." A silence settles for a few minutes, neither of which knows what to say. ''You could teach me.''

''What? No.'' The older responds irritably, the younger one seems to have lost his mind.

"It's not like I'm asking you to marry me" the young man rolls his eyes. "I can ask for Jaeyoon hyung to do it''

"No" Sanghyuk sighs, he does not know where Chanhee got that ridiculous idea, mostly he does not know why he has to be the target of his 'experiment', if the younger never kissed in his life he should not wait for right person?

But also, not even himself, Lee Sanghyuk, waited the right person for anything.

''Please'' Chanhee does his best, he wants very much to at least have any experience before thinking about talking to Rowoon, after all he declared himself and the older did nothing, did he find the youngest inexperienced or innocent too much? In fact he was relatively both, but he does not want to be either, especially if it is something he can be circumvent and 'corrected'.

''Ok but... That's between us, okay?'' finally Sanghyuk gives up, not only because he can not deny the youngest anything, but also because he knows how it feels like to be in his skin, and when he was at the age of the younger, he would like someone to be there to help him understand better.

Youngbin was, however, because they were the same age practically, Youngbin was worried about chasing tails to help his friend.

The two are silent until Sanghyuk holds Chanhee's face with the tips of his fingers, their breathing is uneven and nervous, they approach millimeter a millimeter quietly as if they have all the time in the world, the younger one closes his eyes when the lips of the older touch his, a shiver takes hold of his body, the touch of the lips is delicate, Sanghyuk places his hands on the waist of the younger while Chanhee puts his arms around the neck of the friend, his hand plays with the curly wires of the brunette hair delicately as they deepen the kiss.

Kissing is good, definitely now the youngest understands why people kiss so often, it's an inexplicable sensation until they feel it.

Their mouths separate for a few seconds.

"That's good" Chanhee whispers, Sanghyuk gives a low chuckle, the smaller touches his lips again on the highest's ones, the kiss this time begins a little more urgent, as the oldest advised Chanhee a little before, everything is on the basis of instinct, when he notices the younger is over the older, the kiss is urgent and charged with desire, a warmth takes over the bodies of the two browns, they just stop the kiss when the noise of the door knocking scaresthem. 

Chanhee turns to see who made the noise, Youngbin, Zuho and Rowoon are standing at the door looking at them, the redhead is the only one with a smile on his face, they are full of bags which justifies the delay, Chanhee eyes are on the taller, he wants to say something, but what to say?

The younger rises from Sanghyuk lap, he says hi to the three as if they had not just seen him making out with one of his colleagues, and then heads for Youngbin's room, knowing that the older was following him.

"What were you doing, Chanhee?" His voice is low and he does not even look into his friend's eye.

''Relax hyung, Sanghyuk was helping me.''

''With what? You were practically eating up each other on my couch!''

"It's just a kiss." Youngbin is really angry at Chanhee for the first time, the boy gets a little frightened, but does not let it show. "It was very good by the way" the boy whispers into the older's ear before leaving the room.

He knows he shouldn't have done it.

But also, there are many things he shouldn't have done.


End file.
